 The coverage for the Subaru challenge, funny they keep showing my non-existent ass, i look so oily and tired...nyaaaarrrr
http://www.inquirer.net/vdo/player.php?vid=1621
 I heard from a movie, ‘glass, it’s better than ice,’ I thought about it while I use it on my next peg. Glass breaks, while ice melts… Which is better to wrap someone’s heart? If ice, your heart shuts, like cryogenics, someone can easily melt it with warmth, when it thaws, the heart beats again, yet the beating is no longer fresh, like thawed meat…
On the other side, if you place a heart in a glass, oh its beautiful to look at, but glass you can see it but you cannot touch what’s inside. Oh how tempting to break a beautiful glass and to touch what’s inside. What happens to the heart when you break it’s casing, it beats like how it was cuz it never stopped beating to begin with, but what happens to the person who broke the glass, there there, sitting by the corner nursing himself with the wounds from the shattered glass… oh the irony. so nice to put it in words… I could go on for days messing it up in my head…
Then I looked at my heart, how did I wrap it this time? I use to say I covered it up in snow, and it was for a time but someone thawed and revived it’s beating but broke every vain that keeps it alive… where is it now? Whole again, all the pieces back in my hands, mine, not cold anymore, feels more than ever… did I place it now in a glass? Hmmm… a lovely thought, but will I let anybody break its casing for me? When it will just hurt the one who tries to break it…
I hear another voice, calmer this time… ‘No, I will open it for you, not break, I will open it the way you placed it there…’
 In a mercury drug I used to buy this inhaler called ‘Life in a can’, it makes everyone laugh when I inhale it, I tell them, ‘boy! it is cheap to buy life,’ then I would laugh with them… it’s a small can filled with oxygen, it soothes and refreshes the brain. Then I would tell them, ‘You know, I wish someone can invent, ‘Love in a can’,’ then everyone can afford it and be satisfied with it… it’s easy, they can put it in different flavors, any type you want, bitter love, sour love, sweet love, baby love, passionate love, possessive love, romantic love, or fuckin’ bleeding love if any would want… funny, maybe life would be easy… it makes for a good laugh…
I was thinking today, why not a can of happiness… ever body would want that… but like I told a friend the other night, ‘happiness? It is a different ball game’… I was busy working today and I keep receiving calls and messages for good opportunities… just ‘luck’ in my little string of life… it was momentary satisfaction yet calmness is wrapping me up… I know this feeling… it was familiar to me… I felt this a few years back when I flew to Hong Kong with a real Angel… could it be? Could it be a little piece of serenity?
Last night I was so at peace when I laid my head on the bed, 2am I felt sleep creeping on me… that was early already for me to be in bed, I was happy finally to rest with nothing to worry me… oh heaven, it was heaven, then I woke at 4am, I think I was just in the first stage of sleep… I wasn’t sure if I even slept at all, so I got up again to finish my canvass… but the entire time, I was peaceful…
As I wrap up work with my colleagues, I said, ’you know I am happy today, I don’t even have the urge to process the usual stuff in my head’… I was ok, my thoughts were not in turmoil, and I feel so at ease… wow… they would play love songs of broken hearts and unrequited love, and I was happily singing with each note… to sing love songs and be ok with it… I was bewildered with myself… it was funny…
As I drove home and played some more silly tunes, I asked my cousin, ‘how do you feel? Do you feel like you miss anyone? Someone? Do you feel heavy between your chest?’ she said in a shallow voice, ‘yes, a little.’ And I told her, ‘I am amazed at myself, I do not miss anyone, long for anyone, crave for anyone, nor hate anyone!’ a big smile dawned on me while I puff the cigarette under the rain… I am at peace… yes I found a familiar place in me… a little piece of serenity…
 My thoughts… the one I reside into every minute of everyday, the one I talk to when I’m staring in front of a mirror watching myself think…
My words… from the moment I wake til the moment I sleep, my words quenches my thirst… yet i am still parched… My canvass… the one I make love to in most days, the one I scar with my knife and my hands, and bleed with endless colors of my paint… My lust… what makes me the woman that I am, the woman that I know, the woman who loves to ache for other women…
My naivety… without it why am I still in search… My heart… no longer ice, no longer battered, no longer lent… it is whole, beating, it is mine… I hold it in my hands and placed it on a crystal glass… so that people can see that it’s there, beating, but for no one to touch… My windows… lent to the people around me… My gemstones… the friends that I keep inside my window… My memories… collected treasures of the many who touched my soul… My freedom… Bathe in me, I am rain falling from the sky, but water, it dries before you can hold it…breathe me I am air, it will brush against your skin, but you cannot own it… The Romeo in me… I am and will always be a Romeo dressed in gown (a little laugh and a smile then a voice asks, ‘sounds gay?’ a reply, ‘Yes, that I am.’) My hands… my gift, and to the endless possibilities that it aims to create… The music in me… it lulls the combustion of thoughts inside my head, so that I continue to live grounded… My happy feet… I am Mambo, I always bring back the fish ;) The stories that I create… makes up the life that I live… The hole in my soul… I continue to fill up the pieces… to this truth Thursday, a tiny dot closed up…
 | Dilat | May 6, '08 5:32 PM
for everyone |
Pumipitik na naman ang araw sa bintana, ang sarap murahin ng insomya, isa kang puta
ayoko na panis na ng letra at pintura ang aking mata nangangalumata
pilit mang umidlip ang utak naman ay talon ng talon puro titik
isa, dalawa putcha sampung libo na ang tupa wala ng sisidlan ilan pa ba?!
hoy magbubuhangin paki sabuyan nga ng asin ang aking mata Attachment: eyes.jpg
I just finished the painting on my door…my cousin and I were so excited to put the faces that I wanted on the doors…she was laughing when I scratch the pencil marks. My door had a lovely face of a woman, hers, a man, she wanted it to look like David Beckham, I tried, but I suck at drawing men, they all turn out gay on the paper… thus, her door looked like an entrance to an angry looking gay guy…she was laughing but I don’t think she’s happy about it…
I was walking down Ayala Ave. earlier talking to a writer, we passed a doughnut house and I said, ‘Do you know what doughnuts are? They're a soul with a hole…’ he cringed at me and told me that one day he wouldn’t be surprised if I started to talk like ‘Yoda’. I freaked, I didn’t want to look like Yoda! Hello, he’s short and ugly, I dread the idea… but he said, ‘You know how he talks, he talks in metaphors.’ I laughed. My god, I reside too much in my head that I’m looking at things differently, I’m starting to be like my old self in college…the freak who talks weird and draws all kinds of dark stuff… Oh no…
Even my music is starting to shift again…I like to drive with a CD full of heavy sounds, a lot of bass, drumbeats and screaming sounds… the angst… oh no, I wouldn’t be surprised if I side sweep another being on the street or scream at annoying crowds…yikes…the other day I was driving and smiling at a thought…I keep playing it in my head…I felt like Roman Dirge, the comic guy who drew a lot of dark but funny little stuff, Lenor cutting animals and body parts…I pinch myself momentarily…wake up! Dexter are you in me? I don’t even want to entertain the idea in my head, it’s funny but crazy… it’s my funny little secret… slice and dice… a smirk and a laugh… hahaha, it would make a good plot for a serial killer series… I will write it down when I get the time…
I scare myself sometimes… there’s a tiny little strand of dark cloud and I’m scared that one day my green heart will be covered with it… I hear RNB playing, yes, ‘good girl gone bad.’ Oh my… not me... that’s not what I am made of…
Push and blame… in you and in me… no… please not me…
I got a text from my mom today, I miss her… I wish I’m back in her arms like a baby… she would take care of me… only in her arms will I feel safe…
I just got home and sweating again from the heat…’Dad’ said it might be a prolonged summer til December, ‘See cuz these people never listen to Al Gore’…I smiled while I look at the sun peeping from the glass window…
Heat…I love the warmth that it showers on the road…everything looks more colorful and saturated…people walking down the streets clad in their skimpiest tanks and shorts…sweating with skin glistening from the burn…it must be nice to frolic on the beach now in my bikinis…but I chose not to go for the summer…I just ditched the paid accommodation and flight I have for this week…I figured, I will just get drunk again so might as well stay in the city and finish my canvass instead…I saw some photos of my friends in Bora, they looked like they had so much fun, am I missing out on the sun? But the sun is shining here as well. Bora will just be another escape…
I just got out of my clothes now and I could feel the heat swallowing me…oh the heat…it’s so sexy…speaking of sexy, I was having a few laughs with the staff today…my editor was telling everyone about her weekend in a famous ‘Bed and Breakfast’…the name of the rooms they stayed on are ’I love’, I ‘desire’, ‘I lust’…the ‘I lust’ room is the presidential suite…we were laughing…I asked her, what is the difference with lust and desire…I told her isn’t it the same thing? LUST, oh how I love to use that term…everybody lusts for something or someone…but lust and love, I always have a hard time mixing the two…I sometimes try to mix them in my palette but I lose control…it’s so hard to moan to someone I love ‘to fuck my brains out.’ And I always feel whorish to fuck someone I do not even love…sex…it’s just sex…but I am not just sex…our editor cringed at the idea, she said, ‘ I can’t believe I’m talking to my staff about sex!’
We were laughing, her staff aren’t kids, we were adults in the modern world…sex shouldn’t be a taboo thing to talk about…her staff is composed of gay men, straight females and me, the femme lesbian…she would always be confused with me, cuz I date guys as well…but I told her, men lusts, but I do not lust for them, I like the idea of desire in their eyes, it’s overwhelming but a woman’s contour is always a thing to desire…meat, it’s the meat…but women aren’t just meat… Women are higher than meat… it reminds me of what I said before about women, ’Women are so addicting…their like a drug that seeps into your vein so deep, it cuts the passage ways where you ease to breathe…maybe not for all, but it is for me… I like women, their soft curves, the way their skin leaves you wanting more, and their soft touch which makes your skin ache in agony...I don’t like rough, rough is animalistic, just like Gia said ‘I can do it with a dog so what’s the point…’ Women are different, you feel each other, hear each other, breathe each other like one... feel their pain as your body rubs against them...their longings...their music.... the sex is sex, but when you start to mix it with feelings and get too deep into it, its crazy, you would want your head to explode...’
The person on the other line said, the words are making her wet…see how women are, you need to dive into us to turn us on…caress all the senses, make them hear, make them feel, make them ache for it, and swim to their soul…women, abstruse beings, but not so hard to crack…once you crack them open, they bleed an endless gush of red…oh how beautiful we are…
One of my gay colleague was on the phone earlier, he caught my attention cuz he was making this moist disgusting sound, I looked at him with dropped jaw…he was having phone sex! Ugh! I screamed at him to stop cuz it’s making everyone uneasy…after he put the phone down, he was talking casually, he’s like, ‘What can I do, he was the one who called, he wanted to get off of it…’ I stared at him in amazement…gay men…two men in heat doesn’t disgust me, but the animal in them, ugh, I just can’t take it…sometimes I would wish to have their lust, to have plain sex, it's just sex, casual sex…it's over powering, but to wake in the morning with someone you don't love, 'could you please get off my bed...'
I was in the car wash today…I was talking to my cousin about memories…how I have so much of it in my closet…I always thought that my memory is not that sharp, cuz I tend to forget things so easily, names, people, deadlines…but for some reason, memories from the heart are so detailed in me, the scars, the pain, the smiles, the smell, the touch…I could make a movie about it and not forget an inch…
I was talking to my first love a few months back when someone else broke my heart…she was telling me how bad her memory is and how she forgot everything about us…’Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind,’ she chose to erase all her memories of me…yet every time she watch that film it reminds her of me…and me, that movie always reminds me of her…
I was telling her how much I remember, the firsts, its always hard to forget…the things we would do, the way she move her nose, the way she would smile, the way I would watch her and take video clips of her while she walked passed my table in the library, the seconds were like an eternity, I would always play it at night and repeat pause and play…I remember the first time she held my hand and how it sent a thousand signals in between my thighs and my pulsating heart…oh how I remember too much of these things…the beautiful and the bad ones…I wrote her way back when we weren’t together anymore and I was over it already, just the nostalgia in me, I wanted her to know how special her place is in my life and that I would never forget her, cuz that’s what she is…the first and the one you try to get over for the rest of your life…she was probably dumbfounded when she received the letter, or was scared that I still had feelings for her so she gave it the least importance and chose to be silent…but I didn’t have feelings for her anymore, all that she is a memory, the reminder of the things that I had and would never have again…what can I do if I am a poet and wanted to be heard…I just wanted to write her... they don’t understand, nobody does anyway…I would never go back and ask her to be with me again, what tickles a person are unfamiliar territories, new beginnings…I just love detailed memories, I don’t see any thing wrong with that…
I was telling a friend about memories and how I go back to the beautiful ones when I feel down…I never think of the bad ones, like watching a film, it feels good to replay it in my head…it makes me smile...she said, why is it that when she thinks of her memories, all that she feels is pain…and I know so many who does the same…I told her, when you think of memories, try to detach it from your heart, just play it in your head, fly away with it, like how you would imagine yourself in a happy place…then it will make you smile…the only reason a memory hurts is cuz you haven’t let go of it yet…
I have new memories in my closet now, some more firsts…oh how I love creating new chapters…like all the soundtracks I have in my ipod, I have different chapters on the play list…the strings of what makes me ‘me’…
I am collating everything in a box for the exhibit I am preparing for…a fellow artist commented on my works…then I looked at it, I wanted to keep everything for myself…I am in love with one of the prototypes, I can’t wait for the canvass to arrive and transfer it there…I can’t stop staring at the vectors…it always makes me happy…
I am so excited to paint everything…every box has a story behind it…I can’t wait to see all of it displayed in a wall… I can’t wait to juice every little memory I have in me and see it visually for others to watch…and for me to let go of it and move on to create new ones…but it scares me every time I touch the brush…I only wish my hands can show the beauty of the memories in my head… the stories, oh how it can make me smile…
I told my cousin, ‘you know what, if I’m ever going to be with someone again, I want that person to see the world like how an artist views things, or maybe more than an artist, I want that person to show me beautiful things that life has to offer…’ she would be so lovely…then I remember a poet who used to offer his heart to me…oh how I wish he’s a girl, I would marry him…like the guy in ‘Big Fish’, sigh, why can’t these people just fit perfectly in my heart…my heart is a very big place, but it has a shape that only one person can fit perfectly in…and this person has to be in a form of a woman…another deep sigh…
I hear whispers in me, ‘whoever you are, do not change the shape of your heart, I would wait patiently for it when I am ready, when I’m done waiting, I would search for you in a gold mine, I know you are there, I will knock on your door, will you greet me with a big smile?’
I just finished a few vectors for my canvass, I am so in love with one of the pegs, I can’t stop staring at it…I think I just turned asexual hahaha…now that’s crazy…
I can’t wait for my canvass to arrive… the wait is killing me…ugh… please hours, give me the base of my lover so I can make love with it soon…
I want to touch the base, brush my hands in each single pore with my thick moist neons… I will scar its surface with my sharp palette knife and watch it bleed in the palm of my hands…a colorful wave of the blood in me…
…hunger…I’m famished… I crave…oh hours, send my lover soon while my hunger is insatiable… I cannot sleep at night thinking about the taste…the taste…I could feel it in me…I am burning…fever…that’s what it is...a pulsating rush in between my thighs…ahhhh….oh hours…I shiver in the dark thinking…thinking…fill me in…fill me in…
I chanced upon someone’s blog today, it scared me how some people opt to steal someone else’s words and use it as their own…like a fuckin’ photo copy! If anything in life has a byline, what she’s done is a crime…suicide of thoughts, that’s what it is…
I saw so many artworks and photograph these past days, me and my friends went ‘art hopping’…some works are worthy of attention, some plain fluff and hurried art…some so deep it burns a hole in me, my thoughts were in combustion, it scared me so I closed my thoughts before it fogs up with all these influences…I was in a photo gallery today, a photographer was showing the works he’s done, I left the room and hurried home before my ideas are clogged up…influences…it’s scares me, I do not want to borrow from the fruits of their own sadness…I have a lot on my own…inspirations, that what these things should be…
I am jealous of another artist, a real talent, her black ink surges and falls right through me…I wanted the same beauty her hands created, she kissed me in the mouth way back, I wish I could have swallowed her talent as well…she didn’t need depth nor sadness, it’s just in her…she’s fuckin amazing…
My mentor was teasing me the other day, ‘you should go on a long leave, do drugs or something, kill a part of yourself then go back in rage, claim everything back then put it in your art…’ I cringed at the idea, its funny… I told him, ‘Dad, I am crazy already as it is, I do not need drugs nor any more escapes. It will just fail me…’
Drugs, I do not need it to be insane, I am already insane…like drinking coffee, I cannot take it cuz it pulsates in my nerves, I am hyper already, I am my own energizer bunny…nothing outside of me can help…discipline, that’s what I need, cuz I can be a little stubborn…
I am a little crazy according to my friends, but the good part is I am aware of my self… I will scare my self one day if my friends say I’m acting weird and I am not aware of it…if suddenly I cut my ears and mail it to someone, ala Van Gogh, then please bring me to a psych ward… Hello, I think I’m ok, just a little moody and unpredictable when it comes to my emotions but I am ok…am I? Of course I am…shit, I am talking to myself again…that is crazy, but everyone else does it…my cousin said I was acting weird the other night and she thought I was losing it already, I got my ipod and plugged it so loud in my ears and went dancing in front of my mirror while I stare at myself. I do not think its weird, I was just having fun on my own, dancing like no one is around, I don’t care, I dance on the streets while hailing a cab, I don’t think it’s crazy, just cuz you don’t care about what others think it instantly makes you weird? I remember diwata the cheerleader, she asked me about mirrors before, and if I stare at myself, without a bat of an eyelash I said, ‘Of course, I do it every waking moment.’ She said’ then you must be watching your self think.’ Hmmm…could be…she’s also a little crazy but I think she’s smart…
The crazies, I am always in awe with their world…I would watch a lot of movies and series about these people… broken minds, they’re the most beautiful because they have no control over themselves…
Anyway, maybe I should stop already, I say so many senseless blabbery…a friend said something about a bill board, it says ‘Just cuz you’re ‘unique’ it doesn’t mean you’re useful’…and when I reacted he said, ‘but I still love you.’
I am sitting in front of my computer, sweating from the heat…I just got home from buying art materials for my paintings…a fellow artist helped me scope for good brands, I felt like a kid buying new toys, I was so excited to rummage at the stuff when I got home…colorful neons, thick and moist, my new medium…there goes the long nails, I will have to cut it now so that I can surrender being a single lesbian, I am engaged, engaged and plans to marry the love of my life…my canvass…I can’t wait for tomorrow, I will buy more materials and order large scales of frames…ugh, I can feel my hands throbbing, aching, aching for the burn…I am so excited to paint…
It’s been years since I held a brush, a real brush, I’ve been hiding in the mercy of my computer and my tablet, it was just cleaner that way…I remember the last piece of art I painted with this medium, it was for my first love, a big ass mural for her environmental exhibit…I wonder where it is now, probably burnt somewhere or turned into a wall of some homeless lass…my college years…full of paint and dirty hands…my world then was in my art…charcoal, pencils, acrylics…I would be walking in the school hallway with unruly hair and paint all over my hands and face…it was heaven to me…
Working in the plastic world for more than 5 years now, I somehow opted a less messy art, my vectors and digital paint…plastic, is that what it is? Hmmm…now I’m diving again, the dirty work, I will make love with the paint in my hands…god, its quenching…I could feel the high…it’s driving me insane…fuckin’ orgasmic…ahhhhhhhhh…I could feel moans coming out from my mouth…I wish you fill the hunger in me…fill me in…fill me in…
I was talking to my friend online, we were chatting about details in my life now, I was telling him about my realizations when I was with him the other night…he told me about my other friends from the magazine industry talking about my love life and asking if I was ok already, I laughed and sighed, It’s funny why they all talked about my love life and how concern they were…its because they saw the gradiation of happiness and sadness in me, the ups and down, the excitement, god, Tatum is always their source of ‘dramathon sa hapon’…they hate it when I’m in my rut, my escape, that is when I am obsessed with women, because they lose the ‘me’ they’ve grown to love…it feels so good to be surrounded by these amazing people who cares for me… My editor sat down with me today and asked about my words with regards to love, she was amused by how I talked and see things through…she said, ‘Wow, dear the things you say are like things in a movie…’ I was laughing…yes, my life, my stories, my beliefs, my flaws, my antics, my friends, the characters in my world, they are worth a million pages of beautiful prose, of a movie script with thousands of bad and new beginnings…and they are treasures to behold…they are me…the gemstones inside my window, and I am so lucky to be part of them…I told my friend,’ you know, I am so lucky to have you guys, I said, I am selfish, I will not share you guys with any of them!’, he was laughing, he mentioned something about the separation of the church and the states, that love life should be the same, of friends and lovers…I said, ‘let them be the church, and we the state, cuz I do not believe in the church,’ we were laughing…’yes’, he said, you should always have an anchor back, somewhere you can return to…like home, they are my home, I belong to them and I know I am always safe with them…yes that’s it, they are my SANCTUARY…oh, I love epiphanies… I am so excited today, I called up a fellow artist, I told him about my plans, and he was willing to help me cuz he believed in me…for people to appreciate you in more ways than one, it’s a heavenly feeling…I’m so excited to pick up brushes and paint…I’m so excited, I couldn’t sleep…so this, to my words I reside again…the hermit in me… To you, I share to you my thoughts, does it quench your thirst? This is my world and I’m lending you a window…
I’m working at the printers today the fuckin’ plates takes too long to get done…I feel so lazy and sleepy to do anything so I chomped on all the chips they served for me…I love chips, I thought it could fill up my boredom…I opened one kind, sweet and sour, I got bored, I opened another, salty, I put it down again, another one, cheesy…damn, my tongue doesn’t want any of it…I find it weird…on my sleepless nights I would always open a big bag of chip and dip and would always finish til the last crumb…I’m weirded out on why my palette doesn’t want any this time…
As night falls they asked me what I would like to have for dinner, I requested for fish or seafood and vegetables, any would do…yet I know that when they serve me just one, I will not satiate my appetite, I always want different flavors lingering in mouth…fish with vegetables on the side, if seafood I want with different kinds, if just vegetables I get so frustrated looking for chunks of meat, but not red meat, I dread those…god buffet, that would be helpful, yet when I’m in front of so many different kinds I get so bloated chomping on all the colors that my eyes can reach…varieties…hmmm…
A different thought…I love varieties in my mouth…is it the same with life? With women? Am I intrigued by varieties? Like candy I want to taste different flavors…a designer told me last night she wanted to set me up on a date, I’m like hello, I just had too many this year I need to rid myself of candy…but I feel so thirsty...another message tapped me today telling me what kind of date I would want cuz she’ll give me, umm why are they all setting me up, do I look like I need one right now? I just got out of so many escapes, this isn’t what I need, its so funny but I’m bored so I obliged…I gave her my request…no soup please, I want buffet, someone skinny but with the right curves, someone model type, someone with a pretty face but with a brilliant mind, someone talented who can match up my craziness, someone with patience to endure my zest for life, someone I will dig on and simmer but won’t bore me to bits…a variety in one package, that’s a tall order…a message returned, she said, wow, that’s RARE…I laughed, yes, its hidden somewhere in a gold mine but I refuse to search…why would I, they’re serving it for me…I was laughing inside…then a scary thought…I hear Fiona in my ears…’I’m waiting for the black to replace my blue…I do not struggle in your web, cuz it is my aim to get caught…but I feel I’m going weary, on waiting to be consumed by you… give me the first taste…let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever…’…oh how I love Fiona, she’s my best friend these past days…and she shed light for me again…no more play Tatum, you know you always get stranded…I was smiling again…words, chew on them and spit it out, pweh!
Boredom…I’m fuckin bored as hell, I opened so many magazines and books already yet my thoughts won’t focus on any of them…I listened to music to soothe me, but shit just the same…I popped on a DVD, but it was on the middle already and I found myself lost in it…what the fuck…then thoughts flooded me…my thoughts…its insatiable…it quenches me for now…my words, I keep repeating it in my head and jotting them down…I can’t stop…what do I do with this…it’s so addicting for me…this…typing it…yes, I found my new addiction in me…it’s in me, not others…it’s the varieties in me…this is just one of the servings…I feel like the black letters are winking at me…I smiled and winked back…hahaha, I am going crazy…
A guy entered the door, he’s cute, I looked at him once, then twice, cute and cuddly, he reminded me of someone…he keeps smiling and searching for smiles in my eyes and keeps talking to me, I didn’t give a damn, but he keeps popping in, hmmm, searching my eyes again…I wanted to swim right through him and indulge in Eve’s sinful embrace…the feline in me, hahahaha…is this my new fancy? I looked at my chart, yes, a pattern, women, then men, women, then men…oh my, I have a pattern…god men, they bore me…but I like the attention they give, its pacifying and I know my heart is always safe, because it doesn’t ache for them…
Another knock on the door, wow, platters of food! A big smile dawn on me, yes they gave me buffet…pagkaing pambitay…
I saw so many laughters and smiles these past days and it fills so many gaps in me…happiness of others always heals my aching soul…that’s me, healed, no more bandages, no more soreness, funny how some of the people around me worry for me when I am stronger than most of them, a green that bloomed in the thickest of mud, that’s me…’a self-help book’ a friend once told me…I wish it can be shared for everybody…
Sadness, still everywhere, I saw the tears that my friends shared with me tonight, I wish I can take it out for them and help them the way I fixed myself…but healing one’s soul can always just come from the person…I can only lend my ears and time, to be the crying shoulder and a friend…
I see now different shades of the child in us, the little things that makes one laugh and cry…lost kids, that’s what we are, yet we try to live maturely in our fast paced time…A friend told me how EMPTY she feels now, I told her that is the worse possible feeling one can experience, its living in limbo, stuck in a moment without purpose and goal…I was there before but I always rise above it, I wish she can as well, I wish I can hold her hand so that she will not drown, but a negative energy so powerful can crash me as well…a child, I am the same…I wish I can be her flame, an angel this time for someone else, but its different the way she views things…only she can help herself…and I believe she would…
To BELIEVE, that’s one thing we shouldn’t let go…life is not a fairytale, it’s in us to make it look like it is…
Today, another piece of me is given back…sa anghel na aking tinalikuran, muling nagbalik ang aking balintataw…ngunit iba na ang ihip ng aking hangin, hindi na ganun sa dating pusong nais angkinin…hindi na sa kanya ang aking tingin, ngunit sa sarili at sa mundo, ang nakaraan ay isang parte na lamang ng magandang ala-ala…ala-ala, masarap lumikha ng mga bagong pahina…naisip ko, isa rin syang batang ligaw, humiling sa buwan ng hiram na liwanag, ngunit ako ang napaso at nalunod sa kanyang ibang sigaw…buntunghininga…kahapon, isinisisi ko ang pagnanakaw nya ng puso sa iba, mali ang kanyang ibang paniniwala, sa mga taong sumakit sa kanya, tinatangka nyang itama ang mga bagay na gamit ang panibagong mali…
…ang batang isip sa kanya, sa atin…sanay mabigyan ng gabay, hindi galing sa iba pang tao, ngunit sa sarili…ganyan lamang ang dapat…
I came home holding a large package, the Philippines’ legendary fashion photog gave me a panoramic photo of his trip form Palm Springs, a gift for his adopted prodigal daughter who just had her heart closed up today…
He hugged me so tightly and ignites so many lights for me…oh how I love him, he was smiling the entire time while we conceptualize on so many shoot details…the guy whose time is precious, it takes eons for people to get a sked from him but he gave me his entire morning and wont take calls from anyone so that we can talk about his trip and sustainable advocacies and me to blab about the stories that happened in the months that I was in exile…we were on fire, I could see the eyes of a child in him under his thick white brows…his desire to put the Filipinos on the map and his ideas to make artists’ to better themselves…I want to be just like him…someone everyone looks up to, someone whose ideas are put into countless books and glossies…someone who uses his talents for the betterment of the community…he tells me that art should be used for the good of the entire colony, not just art for art sake…so what if you can paint a million hues, so what if a picture is beautiful, if it can’t feed the hungry what good is it for the world…
He would talk of art and its philosophies and how he would want me to help with him teach it in school, I was like, me? To talk and get paid for it? why not, when I’m such a prostitute with my own words…we were laughing as I boast on the ideas that I can think of, it warms me up that he gives me respect with the things that I say, he says, ‘ haay ang yabang mo, anak nga kita,’ and I’ll be like ‘syempre manang mana sayo.’ I was on a high, a person whose name is bigger than he is, giving me this outmost attention and regard, I felt so humbled…I wish I was really his daughter…he would call me ‘pare’ knowing that I’m a lesbian, we would laugh while he tease me with all the power women he would want me to sleep with…I dread the idea, he’ll be like ‘ sige na, ayaw mo nun, when they want to bring you to bed they’ll just book a plane for you to fly to Paris so that you could be out of the media.’ I would laugh, I keep screaming, ‘Dad! I’m not a lesbian prosti!’…
Prostitutes…that’s how we are with ideas…he tells me that ideas are just ideas, the difference with great men and mediocre men are, great men gives ideas a deadline and acts on it, while mediocre men just keep on thinking til the leaves of the trees are all yellow but they’re ideas are still just ideas floating in the air…at this moment I wanted to hurry and finish all my works…god a deadline, that’s what I need…that’s what we all need…I remember another photographer friend told me, ‘you know, in anything, even depression, you have to give it a deadline.’ When I was crying last month, she told me, ‘ok tomorrow we stop talking about this and move on to greater things, iiyak mo na ngayon para bukas nakatawa kana.’ True enough the next day I didn’t cry anymore…
I was driving with my unrequited male gay crushie earlier, we would sing our lungs out with Fiona Apple and Damien Rice, oh how I miss these moments, I missed my friend from the States, she would see me in front of my monitor staring at Fiona Apple lyrics and she would be weirded out by it, next thing I know she’s beside me staring on the monitor as well… a glass of wine and packs of cigs, a little music and exchange of prose, nothing beats moments with my crazy friends…
I saw the movie opening of ‘Ploning’ today, it was quite a watch, movies like these makes me turn back and save up for the lost time, the lost memories…the seconds and minutes that I could have shared, the laughter and happiness that I could have offered, in my head, I’m not the one who lost anything, I have so much to give…
Masaya ako sa araw na ito, hindi ko na ulit nararamdaman ang pakundap kundap na kirot sa dibdib, ako na ulit, ang pusong balot ng nyebe, ang daming dapat ayusin, ang daming bloke blokeng pangarap na dapat kong marating…ako na ulit at ang patuloy na pag-inog ko sa mundo…kaninang hapon, habang nasa South Express way, may nakita akong saranggola, naisip ko, yan yan ako, lumilipad at malaya, handa na ulit makipag-amok sa tadhana…nararamdaman ko na ulit ang ilaw sa aking isip, ang pag-ibig makapaghihintay, dun na ulit sya sa dulo ng listahan, hayaan mo munang alikabukin, tama na muna ang pagtakas, matagal tagal din ako bago nakabalik, ang sarap huminga.
Ang sarap bumalik sa mundo na puno ng mga kaibigang nagbibigay sa akin ng maraming inspirasyon, lahat sila abot ang mga pangarap, ngumingiti, ganyan ako nung nakaraang taon ang dami kong natapos, at alam kong sa mga susunod na araw patuloy pa akong lilipad paitaas…alam kong ako ang ilaw, hindi ang gamo-gamo…nakakatawang isipin, ang sabi ng isa’y gusto nya akong iahon, saan? Muka bang kailangan ko ng gamot sa pagkalugmok? Nakakatawa, ako raw ay tutulungan nya upang maging maayos, eh sya ang kinailangan ng tulong ko…
I’m so happy last night, I had fruitful conversations with my favorite gentle giant ;) I love talking to people more mature than me, makes me see things in a different light, but I am happy that I can sing along with their music, ‘unique’ he said, that’s what you are, you should be stingy with giving yourself, in my head, funny maybe I’m just autistic hahaha…but he was laughing the entire time cuz I keep on telling them the words that comes from my mouth, he was saying, ‘you do not need any wisdom from me, you know these things, you are your own self help! You’re so full of life and energy, someone needs to tame you!…’ I was laughing…
Tame me? Then my energy will be lost, silenced, caged, that is not what I need, not again I said…I am fluttering with heights, flying and dancing under the grayest of cloud…and I’m laughing, smiling like a kid who just discovered that butterflies are beautiful to touch…but butterflies, their wings can sting your eye…
Life, so many things to discover in it but it has no guarantee…I was so excited to list down the openings of my windows that I want to put in art…another friend showed me a passage about windows…I am always in awe with windows, taken by the secrets that it holds under the blinds…people, it says, are like closed windows, it shows different views, looking at them once will not show you the entire thing, once they open you can see the dirt, the laundry and the crooked walls that surrounds it, look again and you can also see the wonderful things…the gems in all of us…some of it are precious, some as black and bland as coal, its up to you where you want to peep and keep…but like any other gemstone, let people search for it. Let them work hard to earn it, so that anyone who will hold it will treasure, protect and keep out of harms way…but when its gone its gone, you drop it and it will break, you let go of it in a ravine and it will be hard for you to get it back… Ratatatata, me again, talk and talk, so many words Tatum, I think I have to silence myself for a while cuz I cannot sleep with all these things in my head…ugh, I saw the sun shine again through my room window…not again I said…I am so tired…’contain it, contain it!’…god I was scooping out everything in me and hugging myself so that it won’t burst…sleep little child, there’s so many more tomorrow…
I want to write songs…I just had this aching today, I always have words borrowed from other people’s pain, why can’t I write my own when everyone learns and smiles with the things that I can do and with the things that I learn from…I am speaking to my head again, smiling, the vanity in me, now it makes me laugh…it makes me appreciate the artists that helps me cope, the voices that draws me, the lives that even my life lives…makes me realize that we are all the same…in words, in art…god I love the beauty that pain creates… See I told you sadness is beautiful, it makes you create…look at the angel, she was able to create a prose not in her language when I left, look at the other one who was not meant for me, she also wrote a poem about the moon, that I was the moon and she offered it to me…it makes me so fulfilled, maybe that is my role and mission in life, to be the moon that shines on them, to be the flame to ignite their desires, even if it burns and falls right through me, I use it for me as well…look at the moon that hovered on me for a month and broke my heart, she made me write a 44 page story that all my friends appreciated…thank you to all of you…you touched my heart in more ways than one…everyday its filling up the holes… now I have to continue and light the rays of my flame so I can continue to inspire others and for me to fly away to another dimension…diwata…yan ang aking misyon…so to the other diwata na mahilig umindak…sumunod ka at wag malunod…ganyan tayo, lumilipad paitaas upang iwan lahat at wag bumulusok…
I woke up today with a bad headache, I heard my phone squeak so I turned, the angel greeted me good morning…it made me think once more…it lulls my reverberating head from the night of confusion, last night was a mess for me…I saw the girl who broke my heart…what a headache…I wanted to bury her but I can feel the scars getting sore, I breathe in and close it up, I know I am strong, I am standing with my toes on the ground, TALL, that I am…heights that will develop overtime… The song plays again…’this phenomenon, I gotta put it in a song and it goes like this…oh, amber is the color of your energy…’I wanted the angel to hear it too but the message came in a bad time…I detached myself to understand…in it and above, that’s how everything should be…I stood up and shrug selfishness and let kindness and openness dawn on me…it always helps…I need to be alone she says…alone…then I look at myself, yes, alone, that’s what I need as well…not temporary bandage that I keep filling in but doesn’t even fit…ALONE…we are all better of…
At this moment I decided to close up and let her be…still not meant for us…so what can we do if we realize that we just found the most amazing personalities in us…we aren’t ready…the sweet nothings we fill each other with, they are EMPTY…the hugs and kisses on our necks and the strength of our grips…they are empty…it’s sad to find the right person when your heart is black and frozen as snow…it’s sad…but that is life…I could see her lovely smiles sparks in my memory, her laughs that tickles me, her eyes that swims right through me, her soft skin that calms me, her words that taunts me, her charm, her brilliance, her stance, her silly little quirks and her colorful polygons…she is the one for me, a combination of two of the women I love in the past that still warms my heart…she is beautiful and my angel…I want her to be the one…we would tell each other ‘you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met’…but love, she says, ‘its complicated’…thus it is, it leaves us all undignified and battered…you act on it and hurt will surely head its way, to break us…she will not be a stain that scars me…I do not want her to be…oh how this feels so heavy…it pains me… We struggle to survive but we survive never the less…to let go and dive on our own, that’s how we get by…I wanted to dance with new music in my ears…with my self, I am dancing with myself, but I am smiling… Someone told me that love shouldn’t be all pain, it should be happiness…I look at all the people that surrounds me…women…we are all broken…the girl who persists, the diwata and her prose, the angel who saved me, the scorpion that stings her heart, the drama queen who keeps calling, the broken mind who broke me, my first love and her tact…we all have different stories, different pains, different smiles, somehow all crooked…and for some uncanny reason we are all connected to each other…our voices echoes in entanglement…I could see it in my head, the strings of thoughts, the moans of laughter’s and pain…we echoed the same…LOVE, longing and desire…it leaves us sore…To let go and free ourselves of these, that’s what needs to be done…my blinders are not with me anymore I can see, hear, and feel, and I will paint all the colors that comes my way… WOMEN…we are beautiful you know…amazing in all hues…we should embrace and let go…I wish I can hug them all and give what is due, but my hands are small and my heart can only beat for one…we all have a home, we don’t have to search for it, it will find us…the things that we can do with our hands and minds, let all the things that burns us be put into beauty…’smile for me will you?’ and I will smile for you…
| Fixed | Apr 10, '08 1:29 PM
for everyone |
I just got my car back today…fixed, one piece, like me…I am me again…I already put down the story that I kept in installment, my friend said it was an interesting peep in the world of dark glittering lights…it has served its purpose, for me to be redeemed. It doesn’t matter if everyone read it or not all that matters is the ones who I knew would understand understood every prose…
As I drove my car, I felt the rush in my blood…like Lestat revived, chasing the wind as life runs through my veins…I can sing happy songs again…my wish was to feel and so I did, I have no regrets of the things that happened to me, that is life, to the fullest…I wouldn’t have it any other way and I am proud of how I played my part… As I drove my car I was laughing like a kid again, no longer empty…I could hear the credits roll as the soundtrack play in the background, ‘Grateful’…that I am…but like any other movie, the ending is just the beginning…the tears I’ve shed and the memories I’ve shared, I will keep it in me…she said she will never forget and I know I will always remember…as of the past and the present, I know I always have a new story to tell, and thus I will keep making them…
A friend once told me that if you have a unique name then you will lead an extraordinary life as well…the crazies, I know I will keep attracting them, the broken things that needs to be fixed…every one is the same…it just makes life interesting, who would want to be perfect anyway, perfect is boring…like a vase with perfect curves, it’s beautiful but doesn’t have that much of stories to tell, but a broken vase that sits by the corner that gathered up dust has much interesting details…her mind, broken as it is but I still find the beautiful things in it…
Heights, more of it will come…I will create it…and so as I keep my foot moving one after the other I will continue to paint my world again…smiles…I will keep finding them…
I keep searching for the time where I could have stopped, there where a lot…but I tried and pushed these thoughts aside because I have hoped and wished…for once to be the sun again…but I guess it wasn’t time, it wasn’t…maybe, maybe in life there will only be one that mattered, and maybe I have had it the first time…
I don’t want to wish again…for the falling star just keeps crashing into me and I burn…it wasn’t suppose to be like that…I was once the flame, not the moth, not to be burned but burn…prey to a victim, I used to be the prey, now just a victim of some one else's pain…
I thought for once the rain will stop pouring…the overcast gone for a while…it was short…sa lilim, sa lilim ako nagtago sa bilad, ngunit ang lilim na animo’y luntian noon ay unti unti natuyo’t naglagas…and there I was watching each leaf fall, without grace, crashing like the tears I shed rolling down my burnt skin…
A memory, this I want to surrender, stashed away in the lost chapters of my book…it was a wild ride but I do not want to recall not even peep for a while…a silent spark that died so fast…how could I have been so wrong…
The title was fitting…’Escape’…it was just an escape…and like any thing you run away to, you have to go back and face reality some time…and thus I have to wake up now…to be sober from a drunken fate…I will stay sober…like the years I’ve mustered.
| |
